By and large, I’ve managed to keep my personal life out of this blog. It’s generally not the right place for such things. Moreover, I try not to be an attention-seeker. But, I kind of want to discuss my situation, because right now, I just need the catharsis of writing it out, and getting the words out there.
I hate being asked what my current occupation is. It absolutely terrifies me, because every time I need to answer this question, the answer is, “I am unemployed.” Moreover, it’s because the answer is, “I am on disability.” I’m only 27 years old, yet I am – and have been – on disability. Each month is a struggle to make ends meet. I pay $45 a month for entertainment, between Rift, WoW and SW:TOR. I make just over $800 a month.
There’s a lot I would love to do, but to do these things, it requires money. Money I don’t have, money I don’t have a way of making.
“Go get a job,” a lot of people would say. It’s not that simple. If, every time you walk into a place full of people you know, you feel anxious, ready to have a panic attack for fear of embarrassment, things are bad enough. That problem is only magnified exponentially when you walk into a room full of people you don’t know. It hurts emotionally. When, after working for a period of time, you start to shut down because you aren’t measuring up to the standards set by the company you work for, something is obviously wrong.
I say I would love to go to – for example – Blizzcon, but I can’t afford it. I mean that. You can provide any number of solutions – sharing a room to split expenses. Okay, that solves that. But how do I pay for the flight out there? How do I pay for food while I’m there? When I’m done, how do I make it through the rest of the month? I don’t.
Right now, I pay about $500 in bills alone, between my rent, phone, car insurance, gas, storage, and my gaming expenses. Everything else I have goes toward food or other household supplies. I can’t afford to do any traveling, as much as I would like to.
Every time I write up a resume, I look at all the blank spots between jobs – sometimes months, even years in between them. And I’m thoroughly embarrassed when asked, “Explain any gaps in employment.” I don’t have any answer. Moreover, I can’t in good conscience stick with a job that requires a lot of sales work. I’m terrible at it. Actually, I’m not. I’m good at it. But I hate it. And I don’t qualify for any job that I would find interesting or appealing or something that would catch me as what I’d want to do. And that’s another issue.
I don’t deal well with stress. When I was fresh out of high school, I could manage it just fine. I can’t now. Which is really funny, actually, considering that I don’t have many – if any – issues with stress related to raiding. And while I was raid leading, any stress there was secondary to everything else here. But I digress.
I also have severe issues with insomnia, which doctors have refused to treat or even see as an issue. “Try to set up a normal sleeping schedule.” It doesn’t work that way for me. I can try, and for a week, maybe two, it will work. But it never stays that way. I’ve been fired from one job over this. I’ve almost been fired from a second one for the same issue. It caused problems with another job I’ve had in the past. It caused me to drop out of college. It’s been a recurring issue for the last ten years, and yet, it’s “not a real issue” according to the doctors I’ve seen.
So I can get a job. But I can’t maintain it.
I want to underscore that I don’t have any interest in using this as an attention-getter. I don’t want anyone to see it that way, either. Sometimes… sometimes you just have to get something off your chest. And that’s all I’m doing, because this is what’s going through my head every day. And I don’t know how to deal with it.