A Bit More Personal

By and large, I’ve managed to keep my personal life out of this blog. It’s generally not the right place for such things. Moreover, I try not to be an attention-seeker. But, I kind of want to discuss my situation, because right now, I just need the catharsis of writing it out, and getting the words out there.

I hate being asked what my current occupation is. It absolutely terrifies me, because every time I need to answer this question, the answer is, “I am unemployed.” Moreover, it’s because the answer is, “I am on disability.” I’m only 27 years old, yet I am – and have been – on disability. Each month is a struggle to make ends meet. I pay $45 a month for entertainment, between Rift, WoW and SW:TOR. I make just over $800 a month.

There’s a lot I would love to do, but to do these things, it requires money. Money I don’t have, money I don’t have a way of making.

“Go get a job,” a lot of people would say. It’s not that simple. If, every time you walk into a place full of people you know, you feel anxious, ready to have a panic attack for fear of embarrassment, things are bad enough. That problem is only magnified exponentially when you walk into a room full of people you don’t know. It hurts emotionally. When, after working for a period of time, you start to shut down because you aren’t measuring up to the standards set by the company you work for, something is obviously wrong.

I say I would love to go to – for example – Blizzcon, but I can’t afford it. I mean that. You can provide any number of solutions – sharing a room to split expenses. Okay, that solves that. But how do I pay for the flight out there? How do I pay for food while I’m there? When I’m done, how do I make it through the rest of the month? I don’t.

Right now, I pay about $500 in bills alone, between my rent, phone, car insurance, gas, storage, and my gaming expenses. Everything else I have goes toward food or other household supplies. I can’t afford to do any traveling, as much as I would like to.

Every time I write up a resume, I look at all the blank spots between jobs – sometimes months, even years in between them. And I’m thoroughly embarrassed when asked, “Explain any gaps in employment.” I don’t have any answer. Moreover, I can’t in good conscience stick with a job that requires a lot of sales work. I’m terrible at it. Actually, I’m not. I’m good at it. But I hate it. And I don’t qualify for any job that I would find interesting or appealing or something that would catch me as what I’d want to do. And that’s another issue.

I don’t deal well with stress. When I was fresh out of high school, I could manage it just fine. I can’t now. Which is really funny, actually, considering that I don’t have many – if any – issues with stress related to raiding. And while I was raid leading, any stress there was secondary to everything else here. But I digress.

I also have severe issues with insomnia, which doctors have refused to treat or even see as an issue. “Try to set up a normal sleeping schedule.” It doesn’t work that way for me. I can try, and for a week, maybe two, it will work. But it never stays that way. I’ve been fired from one job over this. I’ve almost been fired from a second one for the same issue. It caused problems with another job I’ve had in the past. It caused me to drop out of college. It’s been a recurring issue for the last ten years, and yet, it’s “not a real issue” according to the doctors I’ve seen.

So I can get a job. But I can’t maintain it.

I want to underscore that I don’t have any interest in using this as an attention-getter. I don’t want anyone to see it that way, either. Sometimes… sometimes you just have to get something off your chest. And that’s all I’m doing, because this is what’s going through my head every day. And I don’t know how to deal with it.

So, Where Have I Been?

It’s now been a few months since I last made a post here. There are some things that I plan on posting in the future soon, but for now, I need to get back into the swing of things. I know I don’t have a lot of readers, but for those that DO read my blog – I apologize for the lack of posting. Recently, I’ve been having to deal with some financial situations, and the possibility of not having an income is looming over me right now. There’s been a good deal of IRL stress and I haven’t been really wanting to think about this blog.

In the meantime, to catch up. I’ve been playing a good deal of SW:TOR. I know a lot of people are calling it a bad game and whatnot, but I feel that it’s not THAT bad. I’m enjoying it, and for me, that’s all that matters. Yeah, there could stand to be some improvement, but it’ll come I’m sure. I’ve also been raiding in Rift, still, so there’s that. We’re now 5/11 in Hammerknell (Murdantix, Zilas, Matron, Molinar and Estrode) and working on Sicaron and Grugonim. I actually got a chance to tank recently, too! That was fun, though Grugonim is a huge pain in the ass. Finally, I’ve also re-subscribed to WoW, and have been raiding on my hunter, which I transferred to Sen’jin. It’s been a very long time since I’ve played a pure DPS as a main, but it’s refreshing in the same way.

In December, though, I had a motherboard fail on me, causing about 3 weeks of no computer at all whatsoever. So that obviously didn’t help my situation here. Since then, that’s been taken care of, and now, I think I’m ready to get back into the swing of blogging. I intend to make a post or two more on healing pets, a post on support souls in Rift, and how I’m back to raiding in WoW on a pure DPS class. So, anticipate these in the near future.

I’m Not a “Gaymer”

I’m a gay man. I’m also a gamer. But the one does not associate with the other. The fact that I play video games has no bearing on my sexuality, and vice versa. In fact, I don’t even get why the word “gaymer” exists. Frankly, I think it’s silly.

There has been a lot of opinion going around about feminism in gaming, specifically in World of Warcraft. For example, Oestrus’ post or Pewter’s post on the same subject. I’m not going to go into that. However, there is what I find to be discrimination of varying sorts in the world of gaming, much of it directed toward gay people. Some of it may be considered discrimination by way of omission (referencing the now infamous “LGBT question” from Blizzcon ’11). I suppose, then, that “gaymer” refers to the LGBT gaming community – and there certainly is one.

Let me state this, though: I don’t care if there ever is an openly GLBT character in an MMO.

For single-player games, such as many of Bioware’s titles (specifically, Mass Effect and the Dragon Age series), it works. It works because the NPC interaction is dynamic, and you can usually choose whether or not to go through with that kind of story, or even pay attention to it. For an MMO, however, NPCs are very static between patches or expansions, and usually rely on outside lore to progress storyline further. Would it be cool to see LGBT characters in WoW or Rift? Absolutely. Is it necessary? Definitely not. I’m probably also taking a passive-aggressive approach to this whole situation, too.

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